Where do I even 8egin. It's all gone. I fucked it all up and it's all gone. Rose just wanted happiness and I took it from her. Kanaya didn't even get a good8ye. Why am I so good at this. Why is the one thing I can do consistently just fucking over the people I love. and I can't stand my friends. I can't stand any of them. Fuck. The one good thing from all of this is that I got that mental mask 8ack. I can get rid of them all so easily. Give myself a fresh start with a 8unch of people that I don't have a long history of fucking over. Or at least just give everyone an easier life with my a8sence. Hopefully it worked. Emphasis on that wording. *worked.* I'm fucking tired. It's so tiring to hurt them and see them realizing they should h8 me. I'm tired of pushing them away, 8ut they deserve an a8sence of me, 8ut I can never go making things easy for everyone, so leave it to me to do everything in the most painful way possi8le. Gog. 8eing self aware of this just makes it worse. Why can't I go 8ack to 8efore I was aware of my actions; 8efore I made the mistake of ever talking to Rose again. Gog. I'm so off track. I haven't even gone over what actually happened. 8luh 8luh, dum8 8itch.
Okay. So. Just chilling on my 8oat when I see some messages from Rose. Stuff a8out missing me and Kan and needing to talk. I thought that she just w8nted to talk a8out that vac8ion we were planning, 8ut nope. We called. Apparently in the couple of days I was gone, she fell in love all over again. And like, that's fine I guess, 8ut I just freaked the fuck out. Like a gru8. Like usual. 8luh. Anyways. Gog. I just got so scared. I'm not mentally all here for Rose and Kanaya, and I was working on 8eing a 8etter person for them. and the prospect of one or two more people I'd have to 8e emotionally there for just killed me. I made the *genius* decision of calling off my relationship. We were already on 8r8k. And I just wanted time alone to work on myself for them. I don't know who reacted worse, there. I feel like such a damn idiot for ever saying anything, 8ut also my thoughts weren't too 8ad, right..? I just wanted to try and 8e a 8etter partner and needed space. It was meant to 8e temporary. It was never meant to 8e like this. Fuck it was never meant to 8e like thissssssss. I miss them. I fucked it all up and I miss them. 8ut what's done is done, I guess. It's over forever. Even if we make up, that was my last straw. I was kind of expecting this, 8ut like, after some time? That I could spend literally anytime in love with them again 8efore 8r8king their hearts..? 8ut leave it to Serket to impress, I guess. Gog I can't stand Nepeta. They're pro8a8ly getting all the love I used to get from Rose. Dou8t Rose even cares anymore, though. Pro8a8ly wanted this, honestly. I was such a pest. Heh. May8e she never intended to take advantage of my love, 8ut perfectly planned our 8r8k-up. hehe. Leave it to Mrs. 8ossy to plan ahead like that. heh...
I don't know what to say anymore. My head hurts from the crying. I think I just need to sleep at this point. Typing this all out is just so dr8ining... Goodnight, Serket. May you wake up to a world that finally rightfully h8es you! hehe...